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A kindergarten teacher tells her class she’s a BIG Penguns fan. She’s really excited about it and asks the kids if they’re Penguins fans too. 

Everyone wants to impress the teacher and say they are too, except ONE kid named Tarkus... the teacher looks at Tarkus and says, "Tark, you’re not a Penguins fan?" 

He says, "Nope, I’m a Philly fan!" 

She says, "Well why are you a Philly fan and not a Pittsburgh fan?" to which Tarkus replies, "Well, my mom is a Philly fan, and my dad is a Philly fan, so I’m a Flyers fan too." 

The teacher's not very happy. She's a little hot under the collar and says, "Well, if your mom's an idiot, and your dad's a moron, then what would you be?!

Tark says, "Then I’d be a Penguins fan!"

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.  The
very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of
lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll
ask his manager about it. 

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk face
wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the
other half."  The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from, son?'' 

" Minnesota , sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave  Minnesota ?" the manager asked.  

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up
there."

"Really?" said the manager.  "My wife is from  Minnesota ."

"No kidding?" replied the boy.  "Who'd she play for?"

Ten signs you're not getting a christmas bonus

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future" 

9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial 

8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips

7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet" 

6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"

5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants 

4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies 

3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw 

2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times

1. You're coaching an NFL team in New York

  

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared". 

 

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?

Husband: Darling you remember that Jewelery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.

 

Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.

Husband: Well, I'm in the Bar next to that shop. 

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with “the girls” a lot recently although when I ask their names, she always says, “just some friends from work, you don’t know them”. I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my hockey equipment so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with the girls. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my hockey gear, that I noticed a hairline crack where the blade meets the graphite shaft on my new one piece hockey stick. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ? 



The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.