Posted on: May 21, 2012 12:15 am
Question: What do I have in common with the players on the Phoenix Coyotes?
Answer: Next week, we will all be watching the Stanley Cup Finals on television.
Posted on: May 21, 2012 12:07 am
It’s the first day of school and the teacher thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: “My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.”
The next little boy says: “I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.”
Then one little boy says: “My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men.”
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
He blushed and said, “I’m sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, and I was just too embarrassed to say so.”
Posted on: May 21, 2012 12:05 am
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?”
The two guys reply, “Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh.”
The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, “It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?”
Again the two guys reply, “Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh.”
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, “Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves.”
The two Canadians reply, “Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather’s THIS nice.”
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, “I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two???”
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, “Well, don’t you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup.”
Posted on: May 20, 2012 9:07 pm
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"
The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."
Posted on: December 21, 2011 1:40 am
A kindergarten teacher tells her class she’s a BIG Penguns fan. She’s really excited about it and asks the kids if they’re Penguins fans too.
Everyone wants to impress the teacher and say they are too, except ONE kid named Tarkus... the teacher looks at Tarkus and says, "Tark, you’re not a Penguins fan?"
He says, "Nope, I’m a Philly fan!"
She says, "Well why are you a Philly fan and not a Pittsburgh fan?" to which Tarkus replies, "Well, my mom is a Philly fan, and my dad is a Philly fan, so I’m a Flyers fan too."
The teacher's not very happy. She's a little hot under the collar and says, "Well, if your mom's an idiot, and your dad's a moron, then what would you be?!
Tark says, "Then I’d be a Penguins fan!"
Posted on: December 21, 2011 12:55 am
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The
very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of
lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll
ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk face
wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the
other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from, son?''
" Minnesota , sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Minnesota ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Minnesota ."
"No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Posted on: December 19, 2011 11:52 pm
Ten signs you're not getting a christmas bonus10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times
1. You're coaching an NFL team in New York
Posted on: December 17, 2011 12:22 pm
A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?
Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.